There is a pretense that sex is for people between twenty and forty, without children and without a history. As if it just stops after that, or at the very least isn't worth discussing anymore.

That is not true. What is true is that your body changes, and what used to work doesn't always keep working. There is nothing wrong with that—it just requires different knowledge than you had in your twenties.

After childbirth

The standard phrase is that you are allowed to resume after six weeks. That is a medical baseline, not a starting signal. Many women have no desire for it even months later, and that is normal.

What is at play: your pelvic floor needs time, scar tissue can remain sensitive, and if you are breastfeeding, your estrogen level is low. The latter causes dryness for many women, even when they are aroused. That is not a lack of desire; it is hormonal.

What helps: plenty of water-based lubricant, and taking your time. Something that works from the outside is often more comfortable during this period than something inserted.

If it remains painful, a pelvic floor physical therapist is the right person to see. Pain is a signal, not a matter of pushing through.

During and after menopause

During menopause, your estrogen drops, and you notice that in more places than you might expect. The mucous membrane becomes thinner and drier, and natural lubrication decreases. This can make intercourse unpleasant or painful, even for women who never had problems with it before.

Many women interpret that as "I don't have the desire anymore," while it is physical. The difference is important, because the latter is easy to address.

What helps: lubricant is not an accessory here, but a basic necessity. In addition, there are vaginal moisturizers and, by prescription, local estrogen treatments. You go to your GP for that—it is a short conversation that yields a lot.

Furthermore, many women notice that arousal takes longer than it used to. That is not a problem but a fact. Toys that can keep going longer than a hand, or that reach an intensity you cannot maintain yourself, are particularly popular in this phase.

And after your forties in general

The biggest difference is usually not physical but practical: children at home, busy jobs, and a sleep schedule that makes spontaneity impossible.

What balances that out: you know better by now what you want, you are less embarrassed about it, and you are less inclined to do something just because you are "supposed to." That is a better starting position than most twenty-somethings have.

Where it goes wrong

Almost always at the same point: nobody says anything. One person thinks it is their fault, the other thinks it is their partner's fault, and both wait for it to go away on its own.

It does not go away on its own. But it is solvable, and usually with smaller adjustments than people think.

Read also: talking to your partner about what you enjoy.

In conclusion

This article does not replace medical advice. In case of pain, persistent complaints, or doubt, your GP, a pelvic floor physical therapist, or a sexologist is the right person to consult—not a webshop.

What we can do: help think along about what works comfortably in your situation. Feel free to send a message.